The Birth Plan
Written by: Larisa Stephenson
Critiqued and Criticized by: Dana Sabin
Dana: "I want an epidural as soon as possible."
No narcotics.
No episiotomy…yep…no…nope…not happening…never ever…eh eh…no.
Monitor Dana closely to make sure her uterus doesn't rupture during this whole process.
If our OBGYN isn't present for the delivery we want the OBGYN doing the delivery to know in detail about Dana's fibroid surgery.
Dana wants me (Larisa) to pass her the baby right after delivery, but not before I "Run around the hospital to everyone present on that floor holding our son over my head with a nurse running behind me holding a CD player that is playing the music to the Lion King."
We want skin-to-skin contact for Dana and Larisa because both mothers plan on breastfeeding (we know, an AMAZING idea, "thank you," now be cognizant of it and make sure the nurse and lactation specialist pay attention to the four nipples the child is suppose to be clinging to with his gummy mouth).
When placing our son immediately on Dana for skin-to-skin contact, please ignore Dana's cleanliness freak-out that she will immediately have when she feels his slimy presence on her. She has this thing with germs, but ignore it, tell her it will be ok, and please do not clean him right away, nor do the eye drop antibiotics, nor injections and suctioning his nostrils and mouth until we agree. Let's just let him and us enjoy his first time out of the womb please.
Don't expose Dana's, nor my breasts, to Susan (Dana's mother), but feel free to videotape and take pictures of us breastfeeding and posting that to YouTube so the whole world can see our breasts. Just kidding Asshole, think!!!!!
NO VACUUMING OF OUR SON! If you have trouble getting him to leave his current home, show him a $100 bill and then if he doesn't mosey his way down the vaginal canal, stick your hands in there (why else are we paying you the big bucks) to grab him by his left ear, and pull him out, or use forceps, you lazy...never mind.
Larisa needs a runner to deliver her a tall coffee with milk from the local Starbucks every 90 minutes or else she starts nibbling and ankle biting anyone that pisses her off or fails to take supremely good care of her wife.
The peeps we want present in the delivery room: The two of us, and Dana's mother, Susan Sabin (until she drives Larisa crazy because she can't pick a restaurant to have food delivered to the hospital from, or continuously tells us how we have already failed at motherhood because we don't have a changing table in our house, or brings up anything Abraham related, or tries to take over Larisa's position and ignores the fact that she is the other Mother). After the birth, David Sabin, Laura Sabin, Nate, Tawnya, Kaiden & Kennedy Dorn, and Jesse, Shilah and Julien Salmon can come into the room. Everyone else has to be announced via a nurse using a small cornet, and rolling out the red carpet for those who want to enter (but they have to pay the nurse a $20 fee for passage and give our child $1,000 if they want to see him in the hospital).
No doula needed (that’s just another person I’ll have to yell at, and I’m sure there is already going to be plenty…which means that’s also a lot of people I have to apologize to afterwards).
My god, let her walk if she wants to, lie in bed if she wants to, shower if she wants to, ski and run if she wants to, but feel fee to tell Dana she is being weird if you think so.
Activities we might want to participate in while hanging out at Marin General Hospital: chess, bouldering, skiing, mountain running, Cards Against Humanity, paint ball...whatever we desire and what insurance will pay for.
Yes to fetal monitoring, and after he is born, Dana will need to have a stethoscope so she can listen to his heart beat every three minutes just to make sure he is alive, even if he is breastfeeding at the moment, wailing, sleeping, staring at us creepily and wondering why he was "blessed" with us as parents...she just needs to hear his heart beat to know he is alive. You might as well provide a small mirror so she can hold it under his nose to make sure he is also still breathing.
If a cesarean is absolutely necessary, DON'T FUCK UP. If our OBGYN is performing the cesarean, we are not worried…well, maybe a teensy, weensy bit.
Dana has no positive thinking, and therefore no power of positive thinking, so please bring in a local non-religious choir to chant relaxing music, the Dalai Lama to meditate for her, and the local reformed Rabbi to declare, "It's a boy!" (said with an old Man's Jewish accent).
We want to avoid antibiotics!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you say we need them, test first to see if we ACTUALLY need them. We prefer treatment, not prophylaxis. We would like to keep the good bacteria and maintain the baby's and Dana's gut microbiomes please.
The End.
P.S. Thank you for keeping Dana safe, for delivering our child safely, and for putting up with me.