11.9.16: Adoption of Dem-Y

Sawyer has a phenomenal pediatrician, and in both of his offices there are these beautiful fish tanks that the children LOVE. It’s great! It’s not a litter of puppies, a monkey, sloth, lamb, nor baby chicks, but considering some folks have allergies to those, and they seem to be able to avoid anaphylactic shock when fish are swimming in a glass container, it’s the next best thing to take their minds off the immediate future of injections and pain they will be receiving in a room 10 meters down the hallway.

After checking in for Sawyer’s appointment, his gaze at the fish magnetically lures us to the tank, and I get a kick out of his joyous, raptured look, the giggles, babbling, and wiggling that he does. No seriously. He kicks me constantly as I’m holding him because he is actually going ape-shit trying to reach through the glass to touch Nemo and friends. I have no other words to describe his awe. It’s pure entertainment that only costs us our $20 office visit co-pay fee.

So, given today’s Presidential Election outcome, which I and many other human beings believe will go down as one of the most tragic days in American history, I felt a strong need to do something to cheer my family members up. When Dana arrived home we loaded the family up in the car, and I called Sawyer’s Aunt Laura to meet us at the pet store. We bought Lincoln some bones (and a bag of food), and we bought Sawyer a fish. Dana wasn’t too pleased with the purchase of a fish, but I needed to see his look of joy that he has when he sees fish. (The more I think about it, it’s the same look he has when he sees dogs, cats, other babies, the TV…and even our patterned rugs at home. Hmmm…)

Dana will feel happiness when our new TV arrives…unless Trump and his greedy xenophobic minions take that away along with our rights. (Head smack) Wait! Positive thinking Larisa, and positive action!!

Who am I kidding? We’re fucked!

Okay, back to the fish. Sawyer picked out a beautiful Beta fish (that I realized the next morning at 3:50AM cost us $14.99…what Beta costs that much?!?!), we bought blue rock for the bottom of the fish bowl (duh), and his name is Dem-y. His full name is Democrat Rodham Love For All Stephenson-Sabin, but Dem-y is much shorter and easier for Sawyer to learn. 

Sawyer and Dem-Y

Sawyer and Dem-Y

Now that fish will possibly die in the next few days, forcing us to give him a Viking-style funeral in the Napa River, but I’ll go to the store and buy Sawyer another one. Hell, I might even buy him two Beta fishes that day (and another fish bowl since Betas are unable to share space with other fish, just like white supremacists are unable to be in close proximity to anyone). Just like I’ll wake up tomorrow and still be an American…albeit a very embarrassed and scared American who is truthfully searching for work in other gay-friendly countries. We’ve always wanted to live abroad for a couple of years…or until the Third World War is concluded.

Given the pain, fear, and anger I feel towards a lot of hateful Americans right now, I do not have much patience for setting a good example of how to offer a hand of acceptance towards those of you who felt the need to protect your pocket-books and/or white supremacist beliefs more so than protecting human beings. I will continue to work beside you, work with you, stand next to you in lines at the grocery store, smile at you as I walk down the street with my family…even though you don’t smile back…but know that I have lost respect for you. I haven’t lost hope, because I do know that a majority of you do have a good heart that is just unfortunately being smothered by your ego, hate for diversity, and greed, but my respect for you is nil at this point. Perhaps time will heal, but know that progress can not be stopped, and we will not forget the pain we feel towards the choices that you have made against us. We strive for inclusion, and you demand separation. The Republican Tea Party fascist group will eventually go extinct, along with the electoral college, and we will not save you from extinction, nor from Global Warming because, quite frankly, it’s time to join the diverse mainstream. We’ll open our arms and our homes to you when you finally realize your small-minded wrongdoings, but we refuse to save your xenophobic beliefs/hate from extinction. You’re on the endangered list. Love will always triumph, and as Michelle Obama says, “When they go low, we go high.” Unfortunately…when Dem-y goes belly-up high that means he’s dead…hmmmm. Perhaps we should rename him.

His excitement for our rugs worries me.  

His excitement for our rugs worries me.  

Pushing Buttons

I'm an ornery fucker who purposely chooses to push others' buttons just for a reaction. I do this early in the acquaintance because I fully believe their reaction is more truthful than a conversation at times. Rarely does time allow me, a true wallflower, to make up my mind over a multitude of observational and conversational hours and determine who a person truly is. We all wear masks, but pushing boundaries rips those masks off, albeit briefly, providing a viewing window. I use sarcasm often (when I'm playing nice) and their reaction, or lack thereof, immediately can lead me down one path, or no path. Then my dynamite word choice blows the dead end up and I start dangling a carrot (or whiskey) in front of the person to pull him or her in another direction, looking for answers. I do this to protect myself, for I am a sensitive individual. You can only be charred so many times before the white coals engulf your self-esteem. Perhaps I'm giving another too much power, and the weight of their judgement is hard to carry, but I have a difficult path to navigate with my own troubling thoughts that tend to negate my soul. 

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Eunoia

Dusk launches the dive. Crisp linens and feathers cradle the joys, aches, and knowledge of the day. Rolling to the west as sleep floats orphic fragments of senses and thoughts. The helix of your internal and external entity winding towards comprehension. A morosis dealing results in a roll to the east and a shift in the sorting like a rock splitting a river’s flow into separate paths. The dip continues on the heels of your inner urchin tackling fears and loss. A petrous yet friable nemesis, acceptance beckons the interstitial fragments to bind. The soul balters like a child in a meadow at sundown, breathing every one of its past lives into your heart. A wellspring of eunoia at dawn.

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Room to Rise

It's sad

When you only

Seek perfection immediately

You miss the joy

Of something new

The realization

Of change and growth

The surprise of rising

With each breath

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Gaia's Pull

Do not follow me

For I go where I need to be

The place my dreams transpire

The susurrus of the canopy

My toes grip the ground I arose from

Retrouvailles

Her gravitational pull

Offering reprieve to my soul

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Sick Days

Dana's parents are known as Grandma and Grandpa; my parents have been known as Nana and Papa for 12 years now. Since my folks live in the midwest, we have weekly FaceTime sessions with them so they get to talk to Sawyer and Dana (I no longer exist since Sawyer was born). This past Sunday we were at David and Susan's house for a family dinner when we FaceTimed my parents.  

"Hi Nana!"-Sawyer

"Hi Nana!"-Sawyer

"Hi Papa!"-Sawyer

"Hi Papa!"-Sawyer

They could tell during the conversation that Sawyer was a little congested, so they asked Dana which one of us has the most sick days...and then they chuckled. At this point I jumped into the conversation and informed them that Grandma has the most sick days...and then I chuckled. 😛 If Dana and I miss much more work we won't be able to afford daycare, diapers, formula, or food for Lincoln. 

"So Grandma...I'll see you tomorrow then?"-Sawyer

"So Grandma...I'll see you tomorrow then?"-Sawyer

As it turned out, Dana wasn't feeling well, so she stayed home on Monday with Sawyer. They got to play hooky without me! I retaliated by staying home yesterday with him because I wasn't feeling well. I guess today is Sawyer's last day at daycare! He'll miss his friends...

 

Orchestration of Oneself

Look at the whole

The orchestration of

Emotions, physical, spiritual and intent

Take it all in

What does it mean?

Trace the graft with your senses

To the root

Do not smother yourself

Breathe, release, run, dance, heal

Accept

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Whole Baby @ Whole Foods

The first day we brought Sawyer home from the hospital we took him to Whole Foods. Sure, he and Dana stayed in the car catching some Zzz's while I went in and stocked up on the necessities (shit ton of coffee, beer, pizza, hummus, veggies--you get the idea), but that was his first outing. He's there weekly with one of us doing the grocery shopping, and often I will find him in one of the employee's arms. Today we were given a snicker doodle cookie as a thank you for Ashley getting to hold him. I knew there was a reason why we had a kid!

We often carry him through the store, allowing him to see all of the veggies, fruits, baked goods, and beer that we're choosing to bring home for him...wait...I mean for US, not for him. Who gives a baby veggies and fruit?!?! Not us I tell you. 

By the time we made it to the check-out line I decided to see how much he was costing us these days. Weirdly, the amount we spent on IVF to get him came up on the screen. Hmmmm...

Whole baby @ Whole Foods: organic, free range, 300% price increase...cash only. Comes with two caramel apples on the side. 

Whole baby @ Whole Foods: organic, free range, 300% price increase...cash only. Comes with two caramel apples on the side. 

Nope...you don't know my husband.

Our jobs are located in a small town (population is ~6,000 😬), and as all small towns go, everyone knows your business...which is why we live in a larger town ~20 miles away. I think my clients in that small town knew the result of our pregnancy test before we did. I blame Facebook. Dana works for the school district in that small town. She's a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and a Board Certified Behavior Analyst, and primarily works with students in the lower grades helping them with behavioral problems, giving them tools they need in order to excel in the classroom (and survive their home life), and being available for their breakdowns. Her co-workers know that she is a lesbian, but it's not really a topic that comes up while she is working with a student who is trying to express their feelings by playing in a sand box. Weirdly, one of the students she works with stopped her in the school yard this week with a question:

1st Grader: What is your husband's name?

Dana: Why are you asking?

1st Grader: I think my Dad knows your husband.

Dana: I don't think so.


I asked her how she diverted his attention, but she said that luckily he got sidetracked. (He's one of those students.) I would love to be a fly on her office wall when a student figures out that she is married to me, this phenomenal, loving wife who is also an excellent mother to our child. Some of the kids in the school know me because their parents are clients of mine, and when they are informed by their parents that I am married to Ms. Sabin, it throws them for a loop. It's cute when they finally connect the dots, and obviously have no problem with it, which is why I find it weird that some people are worried if their kids find out that someone is gay. Actually, I don't find that weird, I just find it sad. 

I promise to not end this blog post on a sad note. Instead, I'm going to share our first family photo, sans Lincoln. We took a small weekend trip up to Gualala, and our friend took this pic while we were hiking along the coast. It was definitely a windy day, perfectly crisp weather, and the views were amazing!

Our Patagonia jackets kept us warm. Sawyer should be a model for them. Look how cute he is!   

Our Patagonia jackets kept us warm. Sawyer should be a model for them. Look how cute he is!   

Punch Card

Our son was born on 04/29/16. Since then, due to regular check-ups, a cold that brought on an earache, a cough from that same cold that robbed him of oxygen as if he had emphysema, diarrhea from the amoxicillin he took for the earache and congestion (FYI: he's allergic), blood in his stool (just a little bit) from a fissure caused by the constant shitting (diarrhea), a slight headache due to falling off the bed weirdly at 2 mos, and now a few seizures this week...(deep breath)...we have not only learned every staff member of the pediatrician's office, but we have also named every fish in the aquariums, and today I invited Sawyer's pediatrician to Thanksgiving dinner. I feel we owe him a meal...or at least a puppy.  Sawyer is only ~5mos old, and he RECOGNIZES his physician and puts a frown on his face as soon as he walks into the room clearly not looking forward to the exams that are about to take place. 

When we arrived at the office for today's unplanned visit, while checking Sawyer in for his appointment, I jokingly asked if they had a punch card system. Whenever I get a coffee at the local coffee shop, they sign off on my card, and after purchasing 12 drinks, I get a free drink of my choice. I think this is a good idea, and was hoping that they offered that same reward system. Unfortunately the woman did not get my joke, and professionally informed me that they do not offer that at their office. Dana was holding Sawyer behind me on the waiting room bench and just started laughing, prompting Sawyer to look at me and give a nice big smile. I, of course, couldn't help myself and just kept going. "I really think you should look into offering punch cards. 12 visits in one year, and the next year is free!" She just smiled at me, apologized, and repeated that they do not offer that. So sad.  

So, I took initiative, and I designed a card for them. 

A punch card for the pediatrician's office. At your 6th visit, they cover your co-pay...& the 13th is free!!  

A punch card for the pediatrician's office. At your 6th visit, they cover your co-pay...& the 13th is free!!  

At this rate, Sawyer will go through three of these punch cards before the year is up. I understand that this is often what happens for the first couple of years of life, especially since he is in daycare. We will roll with it, knowing that his immune system is only getting stronger. However, our pockets are getting lighter. Every time he needs to go to the doctor, I'm having to cancel clients, thereby losing income, and making it even more of a challenge to pay for daycare. Hopefully his immune system knows this, and he'll be healthy through the holidays so I can build up our checking account again! Ending with $14.83 before payday this past week was...nerve wracking. 

Watermelon

"Mom. I do not want to make bread. I want watermelon."-Sawyer

"Mom. I do not want to make bread. I want watermelon."-Sawyer

"Ooooo...watermelon."-Sawyer

"Ooooo...watermelon."-Sawyer

"I shall lick the watermelon."-Sawyer

"I shall lick the watermelon."-Sawyer

"I shall eat the watermelon...with help, of course."-Sawyer

"I shall eat the watermelon...with help, of course."-Sawyer

The End. 

What's the Password?

Sawyer's daycare sent out a mass email to all the parents the other week. One of the subjects in the email was asking that unless you know the other person, to please not open the door for him. The daycare is secured with a keypad entry, alligators swimming in the moat surrounding the building, guards at all the entrances, and emos wearing hoodies and looking down at the ground standing in loosely-formed groups doing their best to show no interest in life. It is definitely a must protecting the daycare because of all the adorable kiddos inside.

Dana takes Sawyer to daycare in the mornings because of my ungodly work hours. I am often the one who picks him up in the afternoons after work. Last night she told me that earlier this week when she arrived at the daycare, one of the Mom's introduced herself and asked who she was prior to opening the door and letting her in. First of all, in the morning, if someone arrives with a child, either assume they belong to the daycare and hold the door open for them, or walk through, let the door slam, and then wait for them to open the door using the code. Simple, right? (Nod your head yes). However, you should be suspicious of all of the adults arriving in the afternoon for pick-up because we have no kids currently with us as proof that yes, we are a parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, etc. (Duh.) But no, that woman had to make sure that Dana and Sawyer belonged.

I told Dana that the next time she arrives in the morning and someone asks who she is while she's carrying Sawyer, she should ask them, "Is this where we leave abandoned children we no longer can support?" And then set him down and start to walk away...but only a few feet. Sawyer's so fucking cute the other parent would probably pick him up, claim him as her own, and we'd lose our expensive son who we truly love and don't want to have kidnapped. Okay. Maybe I should not tell my wife to jokingly leave him by the daycare door in order to prove a point to another parent. 

"Someone might try to kidnap me? Will they feed me ice cream and let me watch TV?"-Sawyer

"Someone might try to kidnap me? Will they feed me ice cream and let me watch TV?"-Sawyer

Emoji Eggs

I am currently going through the egg retrieval portion of IVF. This means that the fertility doctors and staff members get to see my vagina and take an ultrasound measurement of my eggs multiple times throughout the week. On Friday afternoon, while performing a vaginal ultrasound on me, the doctor yawned. I asked her if my vagina was boring her. She indicated that she too has kids, and that I should be able to relate to her fatigue. In some ways, yes, that is true. But I actually take that as a sign that my vagina is getting super old and is no longer exciting to ANYONE...even those that see multiple vaginas throughout their workday. That was a sad day for me. I guess we'll find out this week if my eggs are old, shriveled up shells of their young selves that have gone to a better place. Either that, or after the egg retrieval they will be in the Petri dish solution and when the embryologist looks through the microscope to grade them she will find them all yelling, "No!! Do not let us reproduce!! Run!!!!!!" 

Oh! And before I forget...did you know that embryologists and fertility docs are the actual people who came up with the smiley face emojis? Yep. It wasn't some 4 year old in Silicon Valley. It was the docs and embryologists who pulled the idea from their daily routine looking at a bunch of eggs on the ultrasound machine. Let me show you. Here is a pic of my eggs from the ultrasound this past week...

I wonder which of these eggs will make a good embryo, and therefore a baby as incredible as Sawyer. 

I wonder which of these eggs will make a good embryo, and therefore a baby as incredible as Sawyer. 

See what I mean?  

Coffee Break

Early, legal addictions. We are such good mothers! (At least that's what we keep telling ourselves before we fall asleep each night.)

"Yum..." 

"Yum..." 

"What? Do you not enjoy a coffee occasionally in the afternoon?"-Sawyer

"What? Do you not enjoy a coffee occasionally in the afternoon?"-Sawyer

Avoid This Tree!!!!!!!

We took Sawyer to Truckee so Dana could get some new ski boots, Sawyer could get a taste of how much money he will be spending on ski equipment for Dana in the future, and to go on a short hike. It was a beautiful warm day, and we were blessed with Sawyer sleeping 95% of the time we were in the car.  

        "This hobby is expensive!"-Sawyer

        "This hobby is expensive!"-Sawyer

I carried Sawyer while Dana carried the camera so I could take a few pics of...well, whatever I wanted. We spent $1000 on this camera and damnit, we're gonna use it! Dana took this picture of Sawyer and I at the start of the hike that I will print and use as a bookmark one of these days.

                   Family hike. Tally-ho!  

                   Family hike. Tally-ho!  

Less than a mile into the hike, I saw this dead tree that I thought looked cool with the background. Sawyer and I walked a bit closer to take a picture of this tree... 

If you see this tree in Truckee, run in the OPPOSITE direction! 

If you see this tree in Truckee, run in the OPPOSITE direction! 

but unfortunately, totally unbeknownst to us, we had entered through the gates of hell. I had no idea, until these wasps started attacking me. (Luckily, they spared Sawyer. I'm guessing it's because of his shining innocence and the fact that he is undeniably cute. Allison actually wonders if he was genetically modified in the petri dish, but I swear he wasn't.) I decided to draw a picture of one of the wasps so you would know what to avoid:

        The guardians to the gates of hell.  

        The guardians to the gates of hell.  

Tomorrow will be one week since Sawyer and I escaped from hell. I am still recovering, and occasionally I hear him snickering at me whenever I start to ice my wounds, but I know he's happy I was able to run and carry him to safety before he was stung. Those bastards could have killed him! 

Engentado

Naturally a wallflower & outdoor enthusiast, the boiling point for engentado is low…not even room temperature. Perhaps I’m overreacting to the pricks whose illecebrous acts and irenic words force me to gag. It’s unfortunate the number of close-minded greedy fucks that walk the cement claiming love when all they desire is power…regardless of the aftershocks.

I crave the outdoors, sans man’s footprint, and alone time with my love, moppet and dog. It’s said you attract what you’re ready for, but I never want to attract ego-driven narcissists. Give me my family and space when the day ends, and if my blank stare gives you any concern, direct me to the nearest woods and leave me there. I’ll return when I’ve filled my cup, and can sustain my shallow pool of tongue-biting patience.

Photo credit: Kevin Weinstein

Photo credit: Kevin Weinstein

College Savings

Before Sawyer was even born, and shortly after Dana was pregnant, we started saving for his college. College currently costs ~$60,000/year, and given the depressing thought over that yearly cost, and knowing that prices are only increasing hourly, we knew we needed to start saving promptly. Dana is in charge of the budget, and given that her sole purpose and goal in life is to live without any debt, she empties the checking account bi-monthly paying bills, much to my demise. This means that there is NOTHING left to save for Sawyer from our paychecks, so I decided to take a different approach with his savings. Whenever we pay for things with cash, and receive dollar bills and coins for change, it immediately goes into this jar:

Sawyer's college savings...it's so small it's in a jar. 

Sawyer's college savings...it's so small it's in a jar. 

One of his Mommies (guess who), has a tendency of occasionally pulling bills from his jar in order to pay for lunch (and his other Mommy works so damn much that she doesn't get to eat lunch). Apparently she thinks this is ok. Since she continues to do this, and makes budgetary decisions due to interest rates, a sticky note has been added to Sawyer's jar: 

The only way to deter one Mommy from stealing her son's college savings. 

The only way to deter one Mommy from stealing her son's college savings. 

Perhaps this will insure that Sawyer will have enough money for at least one semester of college. We shall see...

Labor Day 2016

My Dad was in town this past weekend. He and Sawyer bonded a bit too well. When my Dad was packing his bag to fly home the next day I saw Sawyer trying to army-crawl into it. Sawyer also picked up this annoying knack for telling me how to do things, even though what I did was just fine. He DEFINITELY learned that from my Dad as well...damnit. It's going to take weeks to get him to drop that habit. 

                                      These two had a bit too much fun with each other.  

                                      These two had a bit too much fun with each other.  

On Labor Day we had lunch over at David and Susan's house. Unbeknownst to us, that was also the day that Susan decided to spread the ashes of the three previous dogs that had died over the past 20 years. I think she got Labor Day mixed up with Memorial Day. Sure, those dogs didn't serve in the Armed Forces, but if there's anything you learn from spending time at Sabina Vineyards, the dogs work hard to sell the wine, chase balls, eat EVERYTHING, protect the vineyard and house, and love the family members. So...in my opinion, that's close enough. 

My Dad held Sawyer while I took pictures and David, Susan and Dana spread the ashes. David asked what Sawyer was thinking while this was going on... 

                                           "Which Grandparent's ashes are next?"-Sawyer

                                           "Which Grandparent's ashes are next?"-Sawyer

Luckily, Sawyer's four grandparents are very healthy. I reassured him of this, and he slept peacefully in the car on the way home afterwards. Actually, Dana, Dad, Sawyer & Lincoln slept peacefully while I drove. I need to remember to let someone else drive next time.

Overall, it was a very nice visit with my Dad, and we can't wait until Leigh and Chase come to visit in November!

 

                                                                      &nbs…

                                                                       Nick's Cove