Lincoln's 2017 Holiday Letter

December 2017


Dear Hoomans,

Psst! I’ve got 28 seconds to write this letter before Sawyer finds me.

I just wanted to wish you a Happy Holidays!



P.S. Oh wait! He just got distracted by the toilet paper roll and is running toward the back door with a streamer behind him. Moms haven’t noticed yet. I wonder how far he’ll get…

Quick update before he starts looking for me again. We are all doing well, just fuckin’ exhausted from chasing a toddler around! My brother has quite the imagination as to the various shenanigans he can use me for! To him I’m a stepping stool, my tail is a rope that will pull him across the house, and my jowls are a way to strengthen his pinch. Of course, he loves me, and I him. We’re just to the point in our sibling relationship where we push each other’s buttons now and then. 



Though there is a 101-month age difference between us, I’ve learned that we do have quite a bit in common. We love suckies (AKA stuffed animals); we both love to eat steak, pizza, shrimp, Brussel sprouts, and much more; he likes to dig in the garden, and I love to bury bones in the garden (quickly before Mom catches me!); we both hate baths; and if I had the time and the brain energy, I know I could list more. Weirdly though, he doesn’t like to sleep much, whereas I will gladly sleep 20 hours each day, give-or-take 4 hours. It’s like the kid has this never ending natural sugar, or cocaine high…or both…that keeps him running, jumping, climbing, rolling, dancing, crawling, and falling nonstop. Moms have us on a strict budget so we can afford to send him to daycare, so I’m going to guess he’s running on sugar, because the price of cocaine is INSANE. It’s like Bitcoin insane!


We’ve had a few rough patches this year that do not include the current political shit storm. Earlier this month we lost Milo, and each day the loss and pain we feel has yet to lighten. He is greatly missed, and can never be replaced. The wild fires did not take our home, but they did wreak havoc on thousands of peoples’ lives, and they put us on edge. We are grateful that we were lucky to survive, are able to help others that desperately need it, and that 2017 is coming to a close.

                Please don't let him drive!!

                Please don't let him drive!!

Moms introduced Sawyer to camping this year, and according to him, he loved it! They went twice—once to the coast, and once to gold country. I was lucky enough to stay with Grandpa and Grandma in their nice house with comfy beds. I do not regret my decision to sleep inside while they slept under the stars. However, Moms did let Sawyer drive at the campgrounds, which now has him thinking that he can drive ALL THE TIME. This worries me. If I’m not allowed to drive, he shouldn’t be allowed! 

My brother has made a lot of friends at daycare, and I have had the joy of meeting them, and watching them play at the park on the weekends sometimes. Toddlers are hilariously unpredictable, but I’m always the center of attention when I’m there, unless the ice cream guy rolls around. But that’s ok, because I love the ice cream guy as well!

We hope all is well with you, and that you enjoy the holidays. Please keep in touch, and if you ever want to borrow a toddler, just let me know! He’s available for rent ONLY (according to Moms).

Love You!

P.P.S. Moms and Sawyer say hi! They also wanted me to let you know that I am available for rent (ONLY) as well…damnit.