Holy Hell...

Holy Hell...I only have Dana as a DD for another 16 weeks. (And for those of you in AA, DD does not stand for Dunkin Donuts...except for on Sunday mornings.) DD, for those who know how to control their intake of alcohol know, is for Drunken Driver...I mean Designated Driver. It is literally the best thing about your wife being pregnant...besides her boobs getting bigger, but since you're not allowed to touch them for some odd damn reason, it makes her being the DD better then her huge boobs. And since she will most likely be reading this blog post, I will no longer mention how enormous her boobs have gotten. 

16 weeks. Shit...besides going to taste Pliny the Younger, I have no other plans for her driving us home after I've had a few drinks. I need to seriously think about this and schedule dinners with friends. So much to plan!! And no, I am not an alcoholic, unless you think consuming 1-3 alcoholic drinks PER WEEK is the new definition of alcoholism. It's seriously under-consumption and it makes me a cheap date. However, I do drink copious amounts of coffee and tea each week. The monthly spending for my caffeine drinks go right up there with what I spend on therapy. 

Our friend is coming to our house for dinner tonight. I absolutely love cooking and having friends over for dinner, but WTF Larisa? We should be going out to eat so I can have Dana, my own personal DD, drive me home. It's a good thing it's a school night and I have to be up at 5am or else I would be moving dinner from our house to a restaurant that is not within walking distance of our lovely home. 

You all enjoy your evening now folks, while I walk from the kitchen, to the bathroom, and then into bed since I do not need a DD this evening. 

Me doing the budget? Nope.

Dana wants me to take over the budget for one month so I can see how much money I spend. Apparently I'm spending too much money on therapy...and books...and coffee. In my defense though, all three of those purchases make me a more likable person. Anyone want to donate so I'm not such an asshole to you? Please message me at the end of this post. 

I hate paying bills, and I have no desire to do any more math then necessary, so I countered her offer/threat of me doing the budget for one month with an offer that I had a 99.9% chance of her refusing. Let me set the room for you. We're sitting on the couch and she's explaining to me while holding me...some would think she was restraining me, but really she was comforting me...that I apparently do not need to have a 50 min therapy session on Monday when I just had a 100 min therapy session on Friday. She said I'm a great person and that I should spread therapy out by 7-10 days. I said I might be a great person, but I don't always FEEL like a great person. I reminded her that I needed to take a bath and shave my legs for the start of the week. (I'm in running shorts everyday because I refuse to wear tight pants, tight capris...anything that doesn't require me to shave my legs and is suppose to hide my cellulite/cottage cheese, and make everyone want to follow me around the room because my ass is emphasized. My God...what a rant. Bottom line: I hate tight clothing.) That's when the brilliant counter offer came to me. I lifted my leg into the air as if I actually had the flexibility of a dancer, acted like I was shaving my leg, and said, "Honey, I'll do the budget for one month if you take a bath with me ONCE, while I'm shaving my legs."

It worked. Baths freak her out (according to Dana, "You're sitting in your own filth."), and I knew she would definitely say no to taking a bath with me while my leg hairs, her filth, and my filth were enveloping and slowly drowning her. 

I win. 

Blue Light Night

Bedtime is between 8 and 8:30pm often for me with the alarm stirring me at 3:30AM Monday thru Friday. Yes, that's a crazy, insane time to wake up (unless your'e a baker, ER doc, an angel...), but when you have bills to pay, you wake up, get ready, make loads of coffee and tea, and head to work. Besides, the blessing is getting to see the sunrise 5 days each week, the sunset 7 days each week, and payday. Yep. Payday. 

Dana doesn't have to be in bed that early, but often she'll crawl into bed with me and start reading articles on her iPhone. Falling asleep with a blue light in your wife's face is like falling asleep in a movie theatre. My mother-in-law and mother might be able to do it, but the light keeps me awake. So, I'm adjusting, and trying to learn to sleep with it. I've gotten much better, but last night I did not sleep well, and kept waking up. Finally, when I rolled over and she was STILL reading her iPhone after 1AM I told her that was enough reading and that I needed her to fall asleep and spoon me. Within a few minutes she did, thankfully, and I fell asleep for the rest of the night (what was left of it). 

Of course, being the person that I am, I told one of my clients this afternoon about it. Dana was in the gym, so I know it was ok to share this story, but EVERY DAY, even when Dana is not in the gym, I am sharing our life stories. It's a way to keep my clients entertained while I'm torturing them. The client today described Dana reading her iPhone in bed at night as if it's her own personal blue light night club. I agreed. If we were in a night club I wouldn't be able to sleep either. Perhaps this means Dana will go to sleep with me at an earlier hour so I can get my beauty sleep. We all know I need beauty. 

Shhhh...don't tell Dana, but I took a picture of her last night while I was lying awake in bed to the blue light illuminating our bedroom.